NBA Finals

In my preview of the Playoffs, I was hoping for an Oklahoma City/Chicago finals.  Fell about 6 wins short of that.  They each made the conference finals but they were throughly outclassed by the Mavericks and the Heat.  Now it’s a cage battle death match between evil and uber evil.  It’s Mark Cuban’s Dallas Mavericks, with Tyson “Contract Year” Chandler, Dirk “Jack Boots” Nowitski, Jason “My Wife Owns My Old Droopy Balls” Kidd and Ol’ Buzzcut Carlisle; against the Miami Heat.  You curled your lip in disgust and disappointment when I mentioned the Heat didn’t you?  Their class and carisma is outdone only by their humility and personal likeability.

To say I dislike both teams in the Finals this year would be stating fact.  Go ahead, tell your friends, you won’t be wrong.  I have no affinity on either team.  From the top on down to the bottom, I really don’t like any individual in either organization.  In Miami the boss is Pat Reiley, who uglied up basketball and set the game back, in my opionion of course.  Mark Cuban, who takes shooting practice before games in an actual practice uniform, is so obnoxious, that while all fans can appreciate his joy of owning a team and being involved, that we get over the “every man” feeling quickly to see that he’s a cuthroat businessman and an obnoxious ass at the arena.  Neither makes me want to cheer for anything they have going on.

The coaches are alright.  You have to admire the way Spolestra has climbed the ladder in an organization.  It’s impressive that he was hired as the video coordinator, impressed Pat Reily and climbed to finally be head coach with no real experience outside of that organization.  I guess I can’t fault him for the Pat Reiley connection or for the players he now has.  Rick Carlisle isn’t bad either, climbing the ranks under great coaches Bill Fitch, Chuck Daly and then under Larry Bird.  He set the foundation in Detroit then was fired, Larry Brown came in and reaped the benefits, winning a championship.  He’s had good teams but never got there.  This might be his year, who knows.

There isn’t a player that I like on either team.  Seriously.  Lebron, DWade, Chris Bosh.  Dirk, Kidd, Chandler.  Barea, Terry.  Haslem, Chalmers.  Just a great big “ugh” fest on both sides.  I don’t even like any of their games.  Like if I think about Lebron or DWade and the way they play, I just don’t like it.  The false intensity, the postgame quotes about “Doing what’s best for me and my teammates.”  C’mon.  We all know why you guys play the way you do on defense, because a block gets almost as many “ooohs” and “ahhhs” as a dunk.  You do it to show up other players.  Not that I want it to be some all is equal and everyone lets the other guys do what they want until the final 5 minutes, but I expect a little respect in the way they play.

Dirk is just as bad.  Any guy who is 7′ tall, who after 14 years in the league or whatever is just now getting a back to the basket game.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like a 7′ player settling for three pointers.  Sure, he’s a great pure shooter, a significant talent on offense.  His play has enabled him a long and lustrous career in a tough league.  Driving to the basket every time, beating and banging under the boards, it strains a player.  It’s like taking Jerry Rice and having him run the ball, sure he might be good at it but it’s not his strong suit and it’s going to cut his career shorter than finding his niche.  I get it, Dirk was brought up to be a shooter, he’s European and all that, he’s been an MVP so you can’t really question it.  It just makes me shake my head though.  Plus his attitude and expressions on the court really piss me off.  I don’t like watching him play.

I think most readers know how I feel about Tyson Chandler.  He played in something like 50 games last year for the Bobcats.  He was so fragile, so often injured, it didn’t seem like he fit once the ‘Cats got to the playoffs.  He helped contain Dwight Howard, but that was his biggest contribution.  This year he’s been the difference in Dallas, he’s been their anchor on defense and when teammates are interviewed, they actually say “TC is the difference for us this year, the intensity.”  Blah, blah, blah.  Kwame Brown, in 2010-2011 for the Bobcats was far more impactful than Tyson Chandler in 2009-2010.  Just ridiculous that this year, in the final year of his much-too-large contract, he’s performing at a high level.  I have no time for a dude like that.

You get the point.  I’m no fan of anything about either team.  I’ll watch, It’s the NBA Finals, of course I’ll watch.  I’ll also wait to see which of these two crapcakes comes out on top.  I don’t have a feeling either way.  Coaching, Dallas wins.  Starters, Miami wins.  Defense, Miami wins.  Offense, Dallas wins.  Bench, Dallas wins.  I don’t know but it seems like Dallas?  Maybe?  Really, who cares?  I mean to most fans it’s probably like that old Southpark episode of Turd Sandwich vs Giant Douche.  Whoever wins, we all lose.